Friday, 25 February 2011

Why should we put up with mistakes?

When did it become acceptable to excuse incompetence by saying “We are sorry, we have listened and will learn from our mistakes”? 

When I was a trainee, (admittedly some years ago when eating meat, driving a car and looking after a family were not considered heinous crimes), I was told to think carefully before I rushed off and did something.  Admittedly, I did not always heed this wise counsel but on the occasions I ignored it, I was left in no doubt that the responsibility for the resultant mess was entirely my fault.  The world I inhabited seemed to be populated by people saying things like “Look before you leap” and “Act in haste, repent at leisure”.  Nowadays if a decision is not made at the snap of a finger, weakness of character is suspected.  So it is not a weakness to make a rushed, ill-considered decision which is invariably criticised the moment it leaves the lips; but it is a weakness not to say "I have listened", and look contrite when the gooey stuff inevitably hits the fan.  

Regretfully, the culture of ‘Shoot first, think later’ seems to have been enthusiastically embraced by businesses, public employees and politicos alike so we have to listen to apologies from bankers over reckless lending, public employees over lack of preparation for snow in winter and politicians over dismantling the Forestry Commission.

It is not acceptable to make mistakes – our institutions should be managed by people who know what they are doing not by people who are willing to learn on the job! Some sage advice was given to me as a young manager, “You can forgive people most things but not persistent incompetence”  It’s time we stopped forgiving – lessons learned or not!

Thursday, 24 February 2011

NHS Jobby Pursuit

Every two years the NHS invites old people in Scotland to play this fun game:

  1. Take a stick with you to the kludge and try and catch a jobby on it.
  2. Put the bit that doesn’t fall on the floor or get all over your fingers into a small segment in the cardboard receptacle.
  3. Once you have filled all 6 segments you have won 'NHS Jobby Pursuit', so send the complete container to Dundee (where else) to claim your prize.
I remember thinking I'd be young forever!

Monday, 21 February 2011

Top App for the iPhone 4

I've just heard about the 'Full Chav' app for the iPhone 4 - when using the phone on predicitive text, the App automatically inserts 'like' between every word entered.
I like mean like, COOL!!!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Dale's Supermarket Sweep

The game consisted of three teams of two, each with a clock that started with 60 seconds on it. The teams then attempted to add as much time to their clock by answering questions and riddles posed by host Dale Winton. Each contestant was apparently briefed to answer in the format:
 “<the answer> Dale”. 

Here are some examples:
 
Question
Answer
What do you call white pigeon? 
It’s a Dovedale!
What was the name of the Klingon who served on the Enterprise?
Was he Warfedale?
What do you call the sudden sideways movement of an aircraft?
It’s Yoredale!
What’s the largest species of mammal?
It’s Swaledale!
What’s do you call a reworking of an old song?
Is it a Coverdale?
What was the surname of Arthur in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?
It’s Dentdale!
What doesn’t a rolling stone gather?
It’s Mossdale!
What’s the name of the port in Humberside?
It’s Uldale!
What’s the name of the window cleaner immortalised by the late, great George Formby?
Is it Woodale?
What can't you do in a High Street bank? Is it Borrowdale?
What do they speak in Glasgow? It’s Patterdale!
In the Chinese calendar what day comes between Tuesday and Thursday? Is it Wensleydale?

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Management Aphorisms?

When the Greengrocer stopped selling citrus fruit, was he really ‘getting out of his kumquat zone’?

When the Dean of Ely unilaterally decided to rearrange the
baptismal area in the cathedral, was he really 'not wanting to talk about the Ely font in the room'?

When the seamstress was paid 20 US cents for the underskirt she stitched, was she really 'creating a pair of dime shift'?

No matter 'how hard you push the envelope', it will always be stationery!

Does the bomb disposal officer really believe his job 'is not an exercise in box-ticking'

When Andrew Lloyd Weber walked into the 'Over the Rainbow' studios at the BBC to find the next Dorothy, was he really 'joining all the dots'

Does an Australian confectioner always have a 'candy attitude'?

When the militant shop-steward at the adhesive factory tragically fell into the mixing vat was it a case of him 'not being part of the problem but becoming part of the solution'?

My Contributions To The Uxbridge English Dictionary

'Suffragette' - An aircraft operated by Ryan Air.
'Shampoo' - A fake dog jobbie.
'Universe' - "I went to a college, to get myself some knowledge"
'Ostracise' - Something as big as an African flightless bird.
'Idolise' - Somebody with a lazy eye.
'Trampette' - Ticket seller on the Newcastle Metro.
'Ideology' - A degree course to study personal data security.
'Semantics' - Getting up to no good on board a ship.
'Placebo' - A fake Spanish tenor.
'Condoleezza Rice' - When Sir Tim rents out his Florida house
'Cannibalistic' - A really big explosion in Newcastle.
'Bamboozled' - A Weegie on a Saturday night.

No Man Is An Island

An old Manx adage:
"While you can say 'No man is an island' so can't say 'No island is a Man'."

'No man is an island' - tell that to Lewis!

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

What's In A Name

Jacques Tati – A tool for lifting potatoes
Jacques Cousteau – A tool for lifting cows feet
Bing Crosby – A shale heap near Liverpool (you may need to ask a Scot to describe a bing)
Mick Jagger – An inoculation campaign in Ireland
Willie Nelson – The one-eyed trouser snake
Dolly Parton – Looking a bit of a tit because of the way you comb your hair
Toulouse Lautrec – A downstairs lavatory saves walking time
Tony Hancock – Directions called out by Michael Jackson’s choreographer
Cee Lo Green – Environmentally sustainable sticky-backed plastic tape

Improbable Famous Last Words

Giuseppe Garibaldi - "I'd rather be remembered for my biscuits than for unifying Italy"
Michael Hutchence - "Hey this is a really good way to stretch a trouser belt"
Karen Carpenter - "I think I'll have the Steak & Kidney pudding for supper"
John Fitzgerald Kennedy - "Don't panic Jackie, that's just a car back-fir......."
Marc Bolan - "Some of these humpback bridges are sharper than you'd imagine"
Captain Robert Falcon Scott - "Hey lads, I think the weather's perking up a bit"
Adolf Hitler - "I'm sure when I'm gone they'll only remember the good times"